i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
