Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
