In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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