then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
