By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
