My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night