i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
