I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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