Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
