I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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