No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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