You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
