What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I deserve this hangover.
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