when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
