I wish I only lived at night.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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