Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
