my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
