so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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