I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
