You're my little dorito
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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