its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i love accidental penises.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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