In the future we'll all be gay
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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