Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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