i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
