So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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