Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
