woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
