This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
