I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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