my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
