All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
