I love black thongs
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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