I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
