The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
