Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
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He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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