He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
