dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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