Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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