we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
