I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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