How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
