Screwed.edu
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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