my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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