Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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