oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
