i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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