i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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