I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
