At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
