I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
