Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
