ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
