I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
