i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need to calm my uterus...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
