im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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