Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
