I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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