she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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