If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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