I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
